Monday, May 09, 2005

Women and Politics

Today we discuss the voting habits of women.

One of my female friends voted for Bush in the 2004 election because she felt that he "had big balls" which made her "feel safe". I was taken aback for a minute by the cold logic and supreme rationality of her decision criteria. What better way to choose among candidates for the highest office in the world than guessing at the probable comparative girth of their testicles? After all, sack size is supremely important to running a successful administration.
From what I remember from Civics class:

-When negotiating with Middle Eastern leaders, it is customary that everyone first weighs their testicles on a scale. The dignatary with the weightiest testicles gets to speak first, whereas the one with the smallest testicles has to wear a giant plaster goat head and replace every tenth word he says with "Baaaaaa....". "The kid", as he's called, rarely makes any headway at the bargaining table.

Don't believe me? Ask Jimmy Carter.

-To veto a bill, the President first must have a dick fight with the bill's sponsor. The two square off with their hands strapped behind their back by the Presidential veto handcuffs and they proceed to beat each other with their cocks until one of them falls unconcious. Large balls were especially useful for Eisenhower's patented "suffucation" finishing move.

(Historical note: It used to be that the President would just sign a veto order, but the Supreme Court found the dick fight in the "necessary and proper" clause when viewed in the light of international opinion.)

-Having a President with humongous testicles is good for the economy. Large balls have been known to single(or double)-handidly stop recessions. In 1991, the innadequate bulge of George Bush I caused the understimulated economy to fall into a sleep of boredom, at which time Billy Clinton rode into office on the strength of a pair of cantalopes. Like fiscal smelling salts, Billy waved his mighty nuts in the economy's face and the sucker perked right back up.


...and people wonder what I could possibly have against the 19th amendment.

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